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[Jul. 15th, 2004|06:07 am] |
You can choose to ignore me, to block me out. It'll hurt a bit, but then again who said these things were? But, whatever you do and however you are, you'll never forget me - or I you.
No matter how hard I try to be loved, it will always backfire. My need for compassion is lost, and I've become a tragic hero without a cause. |
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| Well... It's been a while... |
[Jun. 29th, 2004|01:21 am] |
It's been a long long time since my last post. Things are still in limbo, however. It's good to see that I've managed to maintain the status quo: no girl, not much of a social life anymore, a recluse - I'm glad to know someone out there loves me.
It's alright though, I've become fairly introverted. I no longer depend on the company of someone else to be happy, of course, unless I'm thinking about the deepening loneliness.
Truth is, when I'm not thinking about it, I'm happy. Relationships are high maintanance, I don't think I would be able to keep up with all the romantic crap - although it is appealing - anymore. My last final exam is tomorrow - Spanish. Oh Lord how I horrible I am with languages :P
I graduate this Wednesday (June 30th, 2004), have a dinner dance on Thursday (July 1st), and I plan to be recovered from my massive hang over by at least July 5th. I've come to realize that I've changed so much over these last 5 years, hell 5 months - probably even weeks. I was once confident and organized - whereas now I'm only uncertain and dispairing. I think I need to get out more or something.
It's easy for me to lose focus on the task at hand, I admit - but I guess at least I'm content for most of it. If anything, in idleness I find myself overwhelmed by deep sadness anyways - so why the hell not at least WASTE my time doing something unproductive?
Anyways, enough of the ramble. I'm going to get to bed so I can fail my Spanish final. (No worries, I only need a 20% to pass the course, I'll be good.)
To all you randoms out there - I'll impart you with this piece of knowledge:
Close your eyes. Breath in, breath out. Observe events and situations in a calm and disdainful manner. Listen with your ears open and mouth closed. Never speak unless you have to. Absorb, do not exhibit. Do this, and you'll soon become knowledgeable of everything around you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 25th, 2004|11:13 pm] |
No one ever seems to post when they're happy.
Needless to say - I'm not happy, I've just been pre-occupied.
Spending a lot of time gaming when I should be studying, and sleeping when I should be paying attention :P
meh, it's all a part of my master plan to.... I don't know yet, I fell asleep trying to come up with one.
Just thought I'd let you know I was still alive :P Seeyas. |
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| so.. |
[Apr. 6th, 2004|09:43 pm] |
... I'm back to my indiscriminate, passive aggressive self. I could chase a fat kid in my car just for a larf - or even bully the grade ten kid who thinks it's cool to tread on me.. yeaaap, things are back to normal as I donkey punch someone the first chance I get.
hoyo. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 30th, 2004|04:39 pm] |
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I'm dejected by society, I'm dejected by friends, I'm dejected by myself. I just can't seem to do anything right - I've made one mistake and it seems that my life has come tumbling down in a domino effect, and I don't know how to fix it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 30th, 2004|04:29 pm] |
I'm tired of life. Surmounting pressure is overhwhelming me. The pressure to do well in school, to be a good friend, to do the best I can.. but.. it's just coming down on me. I can't cry to anyone, they don't seem to ever understand. I make mistakes, but I'm expected to be perfect. Ridiculed with heartaches over best friends, if I can't count on them, who can I count on?
I... just need someone to hug me and tell me things are alright - for once in my life. I can't handle this, I don't know what to do. I don't want to be me, not right now at least. I just want to be truly happy. I'm lost and confused... |
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| It's been a while.. |
[Mar. 29th, 2004|10:42 pm] |
Hrm, let's recap what's happened.
The girl - lost track of her, no pain; I'm starting to become less sensitive to relationships, but those can be put on hold. For the past week, I've been getting myself re-adjusted with school. I was on spring break the week before, which with filled with gaming, drunkeness, eating, and general lazy tendencies. It was good to get a break. I've been focussing on school applications and keeping my grades as high as I can in order to get into UBC next year - so far so good. I think I'm borderline, but I'm confident that I will change it to something that supersedes the Commerce standards.
I just sent in the applications, and I think I'm going to fucking BREAK AND RAPE the system. hehe. I just need the motivation, courage and will power to continue. My ambitions for the future are holding me up, but some things sometimes get me down.. I just need to pick myself up again, and again, and again.
I know, for the first post back, it's sloppy and probably an incoherent blurb, but damnit, I'm shaking.. This month is huge for me, and will determine my next few years... so, I'll try to keep at it.
Cheers, I 'll try to update more. |
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| ... |
[Mar. 15th, 2004|01:07 am] |
I'm empty, as usual...
Dreaming about Providence,
and whether mice or men get second tries..
Alludes to Of Mice and Men, by Steinbeck (which can be traced back to Robert Burns' 'To a Mouse') - and the strive to succeed in one's life. beatufiully written song, portrayed by a rock group. Just goes to show you that many groups still have lyrics that actually have an intellectual basis.
I've lost touch of people, especially Kitty =\ I miss talking to her - but I guess she has other things to worry about.
I miss Mal, too. Apparently we're dating, but haven't talked in a week or so. smeh, not something I'm dying over, I miss Kitty more. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 6th, 2004|12:39 am] |
Isn't it ironic?
Only days after I denounced the female species - the sweetest girl coerces me into a relationship. Well not coerced, I'm just pointing out the irony of it all :P
But, good night it was. Seeyas journal. |
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| Saddened.. |
[Mar. 2nd, 2004|09:45 pm] |
It just hit me that I'll be graduating soon, and I'm just sitting here, being nostaglic.
I'll miss it all, the people I'll never talk to again, the great teachers, the fond memories and sense of community.
I'm overwhelmed by a deep sadness as I move on - it's my last everything now. It's my last year, the last times I'll celebrate annual school events that I used to scorn - the last school dance, the last May Fair, the last time I'll be with good mates. As much as I want to, I don't think I'll keep in contact with many friends from high school, and I'll always feel a great void within life, as if I'm not complete.
I miss it all already, and I'm not even out of school yet.. I suppose I just have to cherish it for as long as I can.
If you like jazz: Dave Brubeck - Strange Meadow Lark
Goodnight, people. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 1st, 2004|07:34 pm] |
I realized something on the weekend while on a road trip:
I have a poor taste in women.. well not women, but girls. (Women are who I should be going for)I've decided to just give up on all relationships, I've lost all faith in the female species.
So good luck with all of your boyfriends, this is one guy who's never going to get lost in the game. (Especially not to you *). |
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| So much to say... |
[Feb. 28th, 2004|12:55 am] |
I just got back from the "controversial" movie, Passion Of The Christ.
Let me start off by saying it was 100% accurate in the depiction of events leading up to the death of Jesus Christ. This movie, although gory and gruesome, STRENGTHENED my faith in God. For all of my life I've been told how the Son of Man suffered for our sins, but it never quite registered in my mind. This movie put everything into perspective me. Mind you, I'm not the crying type, but I was on the verge of tearing during most of the movie. I was enthralled by the detail in not only the sights and sounds, but as well in the plot. All of the details in the movie were perfect. Peter's attack on the guard, his three denials of Christ. Pontius Pilot's role, Judas, the Phariseas and Jews. Everything was just as I've learned.
It's a movie that is close to my heart and that I can relate to. The anguish of one Man for the rest of mankind's sins. It is a MUST SEE.
Many prominent Jewish leaders say that this film is anti-semetic, but they're just fools. This is a perfect depiction of the bible, and the events of Jesus Christ's crucifixion. The Phariseas and the Jews, who condemned him to death, were portrayed in this movie as they were in the bible. To call the movie anti-semetic and untrue is to name the bible anti-semetic and "not reliable".
For anyone to say that the movie is anti-semetic actually causes bile to rise up into my throat.
I can't describe the emotions I'm feeling at the moment. Joyful, sadness, anger, fear. It's all there. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2004|05:47 pm] |
I feel like a hollow man. I feel unfulfilled - my friends are achieving great things, having fun, doing their own things.. but what do I have to celebrate or cherish?
For the last couple of weeks (probably even months) I've been falling out with friends. No matter what I try to do, I can't seem to stop it. I feel sad and dejected, but it's more of an emotionless feeling; and I can't grasp a sense of how to make things better. *sigh* I've fallen into a dark abyss of despair.
Congratulations to my friends who got 99% on their English provs, I can only hope to do as well :P |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2004|01:02 am] |
A four day weekend, yay.
I'm doing fairly well, just stressed out and tired. I've lost contact with a lot of people, but it's hard to tell whether it was just a falling out or just them giving up on me. In either case, I'm swell. This weekend only brings more work, though. But I guess things could be worse.
I'm sleepy, I think I'll head to bed. Goodnight lj. |
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| On his bed.. |
[Feb. 23rd, 2004|06:17 pm] |
It was an eventful weekend, and a popular thing to talk about this weekend? That kid who got in an accident. Everyone has their own opinion on it. Poor kid is only 17, couldn't have been driving for more than a year (from what I heard, he was very new to driving). I also heard that fragments of his skull needed to be surgically removed from his brain. One could feel sad...
... but he did it to himself, he did. I would never wish something like this to happen to anyone; however, no one else put him in that coma - he was his own undoing. He drove to a party, he got drunk, he drove, he sped, ran a stop sign, and got t-boned by a bus. All of his actions were his own - and he's paying the concequence. The doctors aren't sure whether or not he'll recover, or when he'll come out a coma - it's fairly random with these sorts of things. He could be a fruit for the rest of his life, stuck in a dream world until someone decides to let him die.
It's a sad thought, a kid's future lays in the hands of fate.. But he'll get no sympathy from me - he made idiotic choices and will probably suffer dearly from them for the rest of his life, which I pray (yes, I pray) is not the case.
He's just a kid, and his life has taken a turn for the worse - pray for his well being. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 22nd, 2004|02:55 am] |
All I have to say: Great night. Great FUCKING NIGHT!(@#(#*@!
Hung out with Chris and Jared, went to the Paramount, and wow. WOW WOW FUCKING WOW(@!#**@!#
This was the night that I needed to entirely escape reality and enjoy myself. No disappointments, no losses (save for money), and a great time!
I'm still kind of drunk, but it's starting to wear off. Point is: wow, WOW, WOW!@#.
Great night that was missed out on by the guys who decided not to go at the last minute.
I will never forget tonight: One of the best nights I've had in a good while. |
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| Angry with the world... |
[Feb. 20th, 2004|01:06 am] |
I don't care anymore. I originally started this journal to write about how I feel and thought, but when people started reading it I started moderating it. No more.
I look upon the world with malice and malcontent.
Bad usually triumphs over good in one way or another.
The good people in life never get their just deserves, and what is overdue (the lack of those just deserves) twists those good people into tortured souls. People are corrupted, and their spakr of goodness slowly fades into something obscure and unrecognizable compared to what they previously used to be.
The greedy and selfish always triumph over the content and unselfish.
The Bad Vs. The Good
Where do these immoral bastards originate from? Is it the way they are brought up, or is it just an innate human quality that calls them to be inconsiderate and cruel?
Why is it that these people tend to live better lives than the moral people?
A common question always asked about God: Why does God let bad things happen to good people?
I used to think that I had the answer to this question, I used to think that one must endure the worst to enjoy the best. But when is the best? When is the resolution and happiness to the suffering and turmoil I go through? I don't know how much longer I can go on living like this.
There was a time when I was modest enough to think that I didn't deserve a good life - but that's foolish. No one thinks they do, everyone is guilty of something. But I get trampled, I get stepped on, by life, by people, by God.
For what, I don't know. To no avail have I tried my best and hardest in everything I do. And this - this is how my hardships are repaid.
I know I have things better than a lot of people, and it may be ignorant and ungrateful of me to rant. But this is a a problem which troubles me - something that people could rarely ever understand. I've never had to worry about food or shelter - let's face it people, we live in first world countries. But this is a problem..
I feel alone in the universe, hell, I probably am. I'm here to talk to whenever someone wants to talk, but where are the people when I have a problem - when I'm not feeling well? No, I'll just keep it all inside of me. I'll act like I'm fine, you won't know the difference. Deep down, I'll be dying inside.
So I sit here with no one to talk to, save for myself. I'm in a dark pit with no way out - I'm in despair. Will I ever get out? Will I ever see light again?
My feelings are numb and I'm empty inside. I try to describe and express myself, but I can't. My mind draws a blank. Who am I? What worth is my life?
We grow up in society, and our lives are only worth what others value it is. It's a harsh reality, but it's the truth. Who will mourn us when we're gone - who will care?
Life is based on superficial things that do not matter. Our cars, our computers, clothes, electronics, everything! Most of us are just useless! What good does being good with electronics do? None! Those sorts of things aren't important in life - the important things are the arts. Music, literature - these are the things that will last through time.
I know, most of what I say is all an incoherent blurb, but I have to get it all out.
I've been deserted by all of my friends. People I've known for years - the people I trusted. What am I without the people who care? What kind of self-worth do I have if I don't even care about myself?
fuck it all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 20th, 2004|12:20 am] |
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down.. down I fall helplessly into the dark abyss. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 14th, 2004|01:58 am] |
moo.
Happy Valentine's Day, fuckers.
Yet another holiday created in order for people to spend money and boost the economy.
Or, in order for people to be bitter about it because they're spending the holiday alone :P
In either case, cheers. |
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| hrm? |
[Feb. 13th, 2004|12:09 am] |
JUST got back from Linkin Park - GREAT CONCERT.
Had general admission seat tickets, but we scammed those suckers good and got onto the floor :)
Went surfing only a couple of times, dangerous crowd. Point is, it was a great night.
Maybe it's good omens for the weekend? Or maybe it's to lessen the blow. I'll soon find out. |
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